Today, I am going to be sharing something with you that is a bit more personal and vulnerable for me to share. I always enjoy sharing my high's and low's with you. It brings me joy! Today, we will be going on somewhat of a different adventure. I will be sharing my experience with trying to conceive along with some tender feelings that are inevitably a part of this hard and beautiful process.
Here's a little back story: Evan and I have been trying to conceive for almost a year now, and as it does get a little easier each month, there is still, and to be expected, some sadness and disappointment each time I find out we're not pregnant.
I don’t think anyone can prepare you for the journey of trying to get pregnant. I remember talking to a friend a year or so prior to us trying, and I was asking her how the process was going for her, and she said, “It’s so vulnerable.” At the time, her response kind of took me by surprise. “It’s vulnerable.” I kept repeating it back to myself, reflecting on what I thought that meant. Now, as I look back, I know exactly what she meant. Of course! Of course, it’s fucking vulnerable.
I have learned a lot about myself in the last year of trying to conceive. And, it has not been easy. It’s a very personal experience that feels super vulnerable, and it’s not always easy to share or talk about, but I feel like I am ready to share a bit of my story and what I have learned along the way.
Today, I will be sharing a snippet of this journey, that started this morning.
I am nearing the end of my cycle, which means I am in this IN-BETWEEN stage. This is where I typically experience anxiety. The voices in my head can be incessant: "You're pregnant. No you're not, don't get your hopes up. Wait, maybe this is a symptom of pregnancy. No, you had this symptom last month." And so on.... you get the picture, right?
This morning I decided to take a pregnancy test. I typically wait until I get my period to find out if I am pregnant, but for whatever reason, I wanted to take a pregnancy test this morning.
And so, I woke up, went into the bathroom, pulled out a pregnancy test, peed on it, and waited.
I sat there, looking at it, clearly seeing one line. I kind of knew, maybe deep down inside of me that I wasn't pregnant, but it's still never easy to see the one line. I sat there, breathing in the reality, not wanting to accept it, but also feeling relieved that I knew. Then, I made my way back into bed and lied down for a bit.
After getting up the second time, I felt better. I made myself my morning lemon and aloe water, fed Truman, my Bernese Mt. Dog, and went into my office to meditate.
Before meditating, I pulled out a favorite deck of mine, and asked for a sign, for any type of reassurance.
I mixed the cards, and let the card pick me.
DIVINE TIMING - pretty perfect, right?
It says, “The Divine brings things in the timing that we need. Nothing comes before were prepared, nor leaves too early. May I always trust the perfect timing of my life.”
This reminded me what I already knew: The Universe has a plan and when it is time, we will be pregnant.
I decided to do a little journaling after my meditation, to give myself time to process and feel my emotions.
What I am about to share next is quite vulnerable, and yet, it feels important to share.
I want to share a passage with you that I wrote in my journal this morning. What I wrote, surprised me, and I feel like it’s something that no one really talks about. I also feel like it could help someone else along their own journey, the way it helped me.
“Well here we are again, and that’s okay. Totally okay. More than okay. In fact, it could even be beautiful. It probably is, and there is a little sadness and disappointment. I definitely haven’t lost hope, by any means, but every time I think it’s time (pregnant) and it’s not, well, I feel weak. I feel a little shame and maybe some embarrassment, which isn’t something I’ve ever admitted. It feels weird that there would be shame, as it’s assuming that it’s my fault, which is probably what is wants me to believe, but IT’S NOT MY FAULT.
That feels freeing.”
It is not my fault. I am doing nothing wrong.
By getting my thoughts on paper, I was able to see something I hadn't yet seen before. Before writing, I wasn't full aware that a part of me still felt weak and ashamed. A part of me was still blaming myself for not being pregnant. This is something I have been practicing, not blaming myself for the way things are and not blaming others either. But instead, feeling immense compassion and love for both myself and others. I was surprised that a part of me still felt that way. It felt so nice to get that out on paper and call it for what is was. By doing so, I set a part of myself free.
As I write this to you, I am feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude. For myself, for you, for Spirit, and for this life of mine. So much has changed in the last year, and I feel so much appreciation for the evolution and growth I have come to know since starting on this journey.
It may sound crazy, but through hardship, I am able to feel more love and gratitude. My heart feels more open than ever before.
I have this inner sense that we will have babies and will get pregnant. That is what I know to be true in my body, and that is what I will keep coming back to, if and when I start doubting. My timeline is not God's timeline. ;-)
It can be challenging to trust the process when we want something so desperately, but time and time again, I am reminded to come back to the inner knowing and let that guide me.
Before I end, I want to take a moment to thank you for being here. For listening and reading my story. It means the world to me.
If you feel like this could help someone in your life, share it.
Thanks for being here.
Much love to you,